Monday, 30 November 2009

Meditation is good, I might do it a bit more!

So I began meditating again today but I used a new technique from ogtrance.wordpress.com. At first I just thought i'd see what he said he saw or something similar, I was a little bit sceptical I guess whilst knowing I too can go into trance from previous experience. I followed his instructions and soon in my meditation saw a brown bear, scratching at a tree on his hind legs. The blog encouraged me to research the animal I saw and I found below on the topic from various sources so I cant tell you where from unfortently:

'Role: To Awaken the Intuition~
Lesson: To Integrate the Parts into the Whole
Element: Earth
Wind: West, ~The Quest Within~
Medicine: To channel the Primordial Forces
Bear, Proudly Standing, full of grace and strength, you appear before us,
your face alight with the wisdom of one who has journeyed far
and witnessed much of man`s inhumanity to man.
Your gentle eyes weep for the pain you have borne witness to,
your soul afire with the knowledge that there is
so much more to the Walk around
the Sacred Hoop.
Your mind blazes with the desire to communicate to we,
the two-legged, that all life is infinitely precious,
and to be held sacred and revered.
There comes a gentle stirring from Within, like autumn leaves
blown by a restless wind, it harkens us back to a time,
when All walked as One.
When the force of Great Mystery moved across the face
of the waters in the veil of silver moonlight,
and rode freely upon the Seven Winds.
Wise Sister, who reminds us that Destiny`s Beginning and End,
resides not Without . . . but Within
I thank you for your Selfless Love, and pray
we will all hear your call to Awaken
to the glowing embers of
the Soul`s Memory.
The strength of Bear medicine is the power of introspection. The bear represent the west side of the Medicine Wheel. The West is the place of intuition, transformation, inner-knowing, shamanic journeying, dreams and visions. Bear teaches you to go within to solve problems and promote healing. Seek knowledge and wisdom through meditation and dreams. Go within your Winter Cave (subconscious mind) for renewal and the resources necessary for survival and healing. If you have Bear medicine, remember to slow down in Winter. Keep a slower pace during this season so you can contemplate the past year and prepare for the year to come. Study herbs and explore quiet places in Nature for balance and healing. Rest, but try not to hibernate all year long. Spring will provide you with new ideas and opportunities. Plan and prepare for next year, but don’t forget to live fully in the moment in the present moment.
personal power that she's learning to own
In some traditions bear is the spirit keeper of the West. The place of maturity and good harvest. The gifts that bear offers to those with this totem are strength, introspection and knowledge.
Unlike other animals who are active during a specific time of day, the bear is active both day and night. This symbolizes its connection with solar energy, that of strength and power, and lunar energy, that of intuition. It enhances and teaches those with this totem how to develop both within themselves.
Bear can sometimes be too quick to anger and too sure of it own power. While they have little to fear they can forget caution, which is an important trait to have. If bear is your totem be careful that you don't throw your caution to the wind. Being unaware of your limits in certain settings can be disastrous.
The bear holds the teachings of introspection. When it shows up in your life pay attention to how you think, act and interact. Use discernment in all that you do and discriminate with care. Bear teaches you how to make choices from a position of power'.

From this i've made the following observations about myself and my opinions on the world, my environment etc. Now don't get me wrong i'm very new to this however I think that some of it applies and although parts dont further study in this area (as i'll be meditating anyway) can only be a good thing!

1. I have been through a lot but am still here, much like the bear is described above.

2. I am a very inward person, I will often think lots, although sometimes I go head first into things or loose control of a situation which results in negative events.

3. I dislike the winter greatly, which is what I have intpretated from the above. I often go in doing the samethings I did during the summer and this results in me feeling very down with myself.

4. I am very energetic both day and night, which is similar to the bear, but often take naps because i'm too active.

5. I often get angry too fast, or make judgements or think others are judging me.

6. I often dont know my own limits or power e.g. hitting people too hard, getting drunk, taking things too far too fast. I need to control this more.

So I think I need to meditate in this way more so I learn more about 'bear' or my inner spirit however this is represented to me and then research or ask for help about the results. I'll do this tomorrow I think, and i'm looking very much foward to it!

Chris.


Thursday, 26 November 2009

Just a quickie, like a shot of coffee, only more tastie!

Hay,

Now i dont have much time, but today is karate election day :-D Ive lost my speech mind, so I better find that later, oh and i need to get some money for grading, I assume im grading/ hope i'm grading. Lifes ok at the moment on all fronts yes im still frustrated and all that about recent events but hau its sunny outside how on earth could I be angry? Its November and its like paradise here!

You couldnt complain if you tried!

More later,

Chris.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

A Month to go........

Ok kids,

I know my posts havent been easy reads of late. I struggle with the winter every year far too dark, depressing, then add a girl and my unstable hormone driven mind and we get a storm! Anyway good news a month today ill see all my mates again! I say all of them I of course mean the ones from shrewsbury! you guys in Aber rock too (and girls, in fact especially girls)!

Chris.

Today is a new day!

Following on from my living in the now times, ive decided im not looking foward to the future because its dark espcially when I go back home, I mean I dont particularly enjoy it anyway so when I have to go back with this sort of stuff in my head it does me over a little bit! I'll likely stress out a bit then hope I dont see people then work and hope I do see them.......its all very muddled up, but I do it each and everytime I decide ive fallen for someone; and yes it often ends the same as tihs one has! Who knows by then I may have moved on, but yeah we can hope, or I might have gone back to my existence before! Where I liked nobody, not in a bad way it was nice life felt kinda a bit empty but it was less empty then it is now? Does this make sense?

Anyway enough time wasted I must write an assignment!

Chris.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Following on from yesterday!

Ok I snapped, it was terrible! So now ive decided to write a few good things about me to counter any negativity errrrm ok see ya! No im kidding i've listed some things below:

1. Ive survived many things to come as far as I have. I got to university when they said i'd fail- they said id fail my SAT's and then GCSE's, now im here at uni, good huh?

2. Ive gotta a bunch of friends for a real shy person, and I know I could count on the vast majority of them- I'm very proud of this and love each and everyone of my friends. I'm not very connected to my own family so often this falls on them and they engage it, thanks guys and girls!

3. I'm a good listener and can give good advice when people want to tell me- ill listen to you all day! Unfortently im currently deaf in one here so I may often just reply.....errrm pardon?

4. I can take a joke and im also vunerable at points which adds to my shy guy nature- I can take a well natured joke and also love to make jokes, but im shy at first, sometimes this paralyzes me and I get frustrated and all fecked up (see previous blog post)!

5. i'm a hard worker and have a never give up spirit, even if sometimes im pushed on by others- I dont ever want to give up on anything and love to work on things, even if they are clearly gone, sometimes this is bad, but I think determination is purely good!

6. I have good self discipline- I can control myself and normally my mind, this is enforced by Karate.

7. i'm organised- does what it says on the tin!

8. I'm passionate about what I do- and passionate about my friends, family and everything I do or know, even when they hurt me often which makes me silly maybe (hay wasnt this meant to be like a happy blog, meh it still is :-P)?

9. im trustworthy- I stick by my word, dont you worry.


10. I know how to relax and just chill- like I am now, I often meditate, and love just to exist!

Peace,

Chris.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Its amazing how your life can go from the best to hell in a matter of days isnt it? A few days ago I was actually stupid enough to think someone else in this world might actually like me! Looking back this was a huge error and I had been severely manipulated, but im still suffering as a result of these incredibly fucked up feelings. I was doing ok until tom left, I had a distraction from my feelings and over zealous emotions but now ive crashed and I weep although im not sure why it wont change anything not one thing! I am never again going to let anyone control me; although i thought I liked it, I thought id just snap into action, but no I froze; and now I look at this kitchen nikfe next to me and think is it really worth all this pain, why not just end it? This is definately the lowest point ive had in the past three years and it just so happens that its a dark, dank day. I want to go walking but I dont think id ever come back. I'm starving too but eating is just pointless, its like im hurting so everythings just concentrating on this pain and feeling sorry for myself. Which is in fact something im increasingly annoyied at; I mean I cant change a thing, frustrating as that might be and should just thing blah blah move on boo hoo etc and just do it. Yet everytime I have an up at the moment a low hits me seconds later. Until I get so low I break, e.g. now!

So if you dont mind i'm off to wollow in self pity and cry over a girl ill probably never see again.

Chris.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

I hate this feeling after like a day.......

Its the feeling where you think I quite like this girl! Suddenly your brain plays tricks with you and your becomes newly oriantated around this person. You want to smoke but you've never smoked in your life! Its the horrible feeling of liking someone! Im used to this ive been hurt many times in the past but still feck it hurts in this case shes far far way mind so theres nothing i can do about it well other then muck it up via phone which I hope I dont do! In other news dissertatino tomorow! Which reminds me............

Smartie needs to recharge!

Chris.

Monday, 9 November 2009

2nd karate Torunement!

second karate tournement same result! out frist round; wahaaaaay! I dont care anyway! Ive decided im much better at hitting people hard so ill do that from now on hahaahahaha! No more dancing, well only to avoid punches! in other news is a mate trying to match make me and if so why? what else has happened........errrm well loads of work got more experience from the tournement and im currently ill with a cold and blocked ear! Oh and my doctors is rubbish!

Chris.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

This university.........its alot of work dont you know!?

Its true!

Im very tired again tonight! It seems like I can sleep for days yet im still zonked (hope you like that word.....its descriptive)! Tomorrow I have competition training and get to learn just how much the competition has set me back! Money I cant afford, I used to worry about such things, but after a while you just let it rush by! I'm listening to particually soothing music and also The Killers at the moment though so i'm very, very relaxed. Work tomorrow though; speak to me then, things will be different. PERL, PYTHON, PHP which to use? I dont know arrrrrgh!

And back to the music and chilling arrrrrrr (thats a arrrr as in relaxing by the way)!

Chris.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Sudden Photos......Zombies......confusion? Sorted!

Ok kids,

I'm merclessly plugging my up coming film on here rather than on the Smart Arse Productions blog. This may have been a mistake from me.....it may just be cunning marketing! Who knows? But the adds are here and the film is only a month off filming and will be released days after......thats right days! Not weeks, not months oh no! Days! Thats not because its going to be a bad film; oh no you bet; itll be mint!

Chris.

Its gone bloody cold, and bruises! All to come!

Hay,

Its freezing a very sudden winter has crept up on me and is now making me freeze out! I've also decided im not a big fan of the lighting here which is a shame considering the clocks have changed here and now it goes dark at like 2pm! Crazy why do we bother doing it (suggestions on a post card please). Got a lot of work to do at the moment! a 5000 word; thats right 5000 word assignment to do! and a dissertation report thing to also churn out! Oh and then in December and doing the shooting of a certain block buster of the future!

Its all engines engaged down here, you in?

Chris.